Our Sweet Waverly Maeve

Faith does not make things easy, it makes them possible . Luke 1:37   On April 7th, 2020 we learned that another baby was on the way. The initial excitement I felt faded off really quick. I started feeling guilty with lots of fear. Am I replacing Waverly? What if the same thing happens again? I have found it really hard to fully enjoy this pregnancy. At my first OB appointment, I was greeted by a midwife who said “So you had a miscarriage right?” My mouth, covered by a mask, disguised the disgusted look on my face. Did she really not check my chart first? I said no, my daughter died a little after birth. She had a genetic condition we found out early on. She quickly apologized and moved on in the conversation. My first ultrasound, at 7 weeks, I had to go myself. I was nervous, but saw that beautiful heartbeat. Still I didn’t feel that “joy”. At my second OB appointment, I was greeted by the MA who said, so you have two babies already? I said yes. She asked what gender they were....

One year ago I received a phone call from my genetic counselor. One year ago I learned that Waverly’s diagnosis was osteogenesis imperfecta. I was given very little information and had to do research on my own. I befriended many OI families who helped me along the way. I’ve “met” moms who also had babies diagnosed in utero. Some of those moms are now angel moms, and some are now NICU moms. I’ve learned that every OI case is different from another. I’ve also learned that those affected by OI make an extremely strong community. I was able to get a proclamation for Osteogenesis Imperfecta Awareness Week for the state of New Jersey. I was pretty new to the awareness week last year, so this year I hope to bring more awareness. I’ve decorated sea shells with OI awareness that I will start spreading around the surrounding areas. Feel free to do the same. We are also approaching Waverly’s first birthday and I am planning a fun Birthday celebration for her. We will have a beautiful venue, ...

It’s been awhile since I posted. There have been a few things that have been laying heavily on my mind. It may sound silly, but this is my safe space to express how I feel. This is my space to share, so that other mamas know that they’re not alone. It’s been over 6 months since I last held Waverly. I think I’m doing pretty good. I try to seem like I’m emotionally okay, and honestly I think I am. Sure I’m sad, I always will be. But I can function. I can smile and laugh. I rarely say Waverly’s name out loud. I know it may sound odd because I post about her often on Instagram and Facebook. But in real life, I don’t bring her up that often. I don’t want people to be afraid to be around me, like I have some disease. People will ask do you have any kids? And I briefly say I have an almost 2 and a half year old son and a daughter who passed away in August. The other person will quickly say “Oh I’m sorry”. And I say “it’s okay, my son keeps me busy” And I try to change the subject becau...

I say this phrase a lot. For silly reasons and serious reasons. But life right now really is a struggle. I’ve been numb, in that “shock stage”. People usually think that grief is the hardest the first few days, but that is far from the truth. Of course I was sad those days, but I was also really numb. Not feeling much of anything. I’ve gotten through those days.  I attended infant and child loss ceremonies. I’ve gone to several support group meetings. I’ve been doing everything to stay on my two feet. I started a new job and went back to work full time. I do things with Maverick on the weekends. We visit Waverly whenever I’m off. I do everything to “prove” that I’m alright.  But lately I’ve been silently struggling. No, that doesn’t mean I’m crying myself to sleep every night. But it does mean I’m crying (or trying not to cry) more often than I have before. That numb state is starting to wear off. I’m realizing that this is my life. How is this my life? It’s like I’m ...

Today we attended a remembrance event at CHOP. The last time we were at CHOP was when we left Waverly behind, 10 weeks ago.  The ceremony was beautiful and very emotional.  We honored 26 lives lost too soon. It was hard. Through the songs, the readings, and the readings of all 26 beautiful angels’ names... all that you heard in the background was sobbing. I kept staring at Waverly’s picture on the screen and had an overwhelming sense to reach out and pull her from the screen. To hold her in my arms again. Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I realized that that will never happen.  And again, I listen to the sobs from all the families that were there. I don’t want to be in the club. I want Waverly here. I want her in my arms again. And guess what, all the other parents there also don’t want to be in this club. The club where you watch your beautiful baby girl take her last breath and hold her lifeless body so close. The club where you put a hat and several b...

Today it has been 279 days since I found out I was pregnant. 193 days since I learned that my baby’s body would not be able to support life. 38 days since she has been born. 37 days since she she took her last breath. It feels like forever yet feels like no time has passed at all. Emotionally my world has stopped turning, but I still go on. I have to. Today Maverick and I drove 1.5 hours to participate in a project for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. It felt nice but it was also very hard. There were babies there, baby girls there. I was okay being around them. I wasn’t okay when maverick would eagerly run over to the baby and he would “ooo” and “ahhh” It really breaks my heart because I know he’s confused. Where did his baby sister go? He’s just too young to fully comprehend what happened. All he knows is that he loves her, now he loves every baby that he sees.  But anyway, on my drive up I did a lot of thinking. And I thought about why this happened to me. And although...

How are you doing? How are you feeling? Those are the questions I get whenever I’m out and about and run into someone I know. I usually just say “fine” or “taking it day by day”. The truth is, I’m still very early on in my grief journey. Each day brings its own challenges, it’s own “triggers” as us loss parents call it. I’m still recovering from my c-section, but I really can’t complain about the physical aspect. I feel pretty good physically. Of course I’m still limited on the things that I can do, but I am feeling pretty close to normal. Emotionally, well I don’t think I will ever be 100% again. A part of me will always be longing for Waverly, this is the new me, and I have to accept that. I still laugh and I still smile but I also go through the stages of grief everyday. I have good days and bad days... and that is to be expected. Like I said, I’m still early on in this process. We’ve dedicated three areas in our home for Waverly. She has a spot in the living room, that will even...