Such a short time, such a long road

Today it has been 279 days since I found out I was pregnant. 193 days since I learned that my baby’s body would not be able to support life. 38 days since she has been born. 37 days since she she took her last breath.

It feels like forever yet feels like no time has passed at all. Emotionally my world has stopped turning, but I still go on. I have to.

Today Maverick and I drove 1.5 hours to participate in a project for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. It felt nice but it was also very hard. There were babies there, baby girls there. I was okay being around them. I wasn’t okay when maverick would eagerly run over to the baby and he would “ooo” and “ahhh” It really breaks my heart because I know he’s confused. Where did his baby sister go? He’s just too young to fully comprehend what happened. All he knows is that he loves her, now he loves every baby that he sees. 

But anyway, on my drive up I did a lot of thinking. And I thought about why this happened to me. And although I don’t know the answer and maybe I never will, I do know that God didn’t throw me into this situation without warning. He put me through certain situations to better guide me. Let me explain.

Jim and I adopted Loki the end of April 2017. A month after we got him, he got very sick. So sick that we thought he was going to die. I was so upset. Jim kept telling me to remain calm since I was pregnant with Maverick during this. We went to hospitals and specialists, we were told they don’t see him living very long. A year tops. Well as most of you know, he’s still alive and well. God was preparing me.

About one month after I found out I was pregnant with Waverly, I came across this video on Instagram. It was an ASL video signing the lyrics to a song, “Heaven Someday” by Shelly E. Johnson. It’s a song about experiencing a miscarriage. I remember bawling my eyes out listening to it. So many thoughts going through my head. I was probably 9-10 weeks pregnant while listening to it. I kept thinking “Oh God, I couldn’t imagine.” I kept having thoughts I was going to lose this baby. That was God preparing me.

Sometime after that I came across a post on Facebook, a friend shared it. It was a photo album posted by a woman who was carrying a baby who was diagnosed with something incompatible with life. I remember scrolling through the pictures, once again crying seeing this beautiful but lifeless baby. How could she go on? I never really heard of stories like this. But I remember admiring her strength and her courage to give her son the best life that she was able to. I kept thinking to myself. I could never imagine that happening to me. I don’t know what I would do. That was God preparing me.

A little after that, my mom told me about a family friend who had a stillbirth. I remember being so sad. How does that happen? I could never imagine that happening to me. That was God preparing me.

Because not even a week or so after my mom told me this, that’s when I received the devastating news at my ultrasound. I remember the doctors talking about termination. They briefly mentioned continuing the pregnancy, but they made sure to add in that the baby would live and extremely difficult life in and out of hospitals. I went home and spent hours on Google. Looking up hashtags on Instagram, searching phrases on Facebook, anything to help guide me. I remember coming across perinatal palliative care and carrying to term support groups. That was God preparing me.

After endless “lethal skeletal dysplasia” searches on Facebook, I came across a page. It was made for updates on a pregnancy with a baby diagnosed with osteogenesis imperfecta type II. The baby had already been born and had passed by the time I found the page. I didn’t know Waverly’s diagnosis at this point. I certainly didn’t think it would be OI. But it was. That was God preparing me.

He helped me find support groups, he gave me strength to talk about my journey. He didn’t just throw me into this situation, he was slowly giving me signs. Although I don’t know the reasoning on why this happened, I do know that He prepared me the best He could.