I don’t want to be in this club anymore

Today we attended a remembrance event at CHOP. The last time we were at CHOP was when we left Waverly behind, 10 weeks ago. 

The ceremony was beautiful and very emotional. 

We honored 26 lives lost too soon. It was hard. Through the songs, the readings, and the readings of all 26 beautiful angels’ names... all that you heard in the background was sobbing. I kept staring at Waverly’s picture on the screen and had an overwhelming sense to reach out and pull her from the screen. To hold her in my arms again. Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I realized that that will never happen. 

And again, I listen to the sobs from all the families that were there. I don’t want to be in the club. I want Waverly here. I want her in my arms again. And guess what, all the other parents there also don’t want to be in this club. The club where you watch your beautiful baby girl take her last breath and hold her lifeless body so close. The club where you put a hat and several blankets on their freezing body to “keep them warm”. The grandparents, the siblings, the aunts, the uncles, family and friends... no one wants to be in this club. The club where you outlive a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager. That’s just so unnatural. Where you family chain is forever broken until you all link up again one day. The club where everyone sees a family of 3, but you know you’re a family of 4. 

It’s a club no one wants to be a part of, but it’s a club of the most strongest people in the world. 

This post isn’t written the best but it’s full of tons of raw emotion. I’ll end it with a reading from today:

We Know Your Names

Read by Malinda Hill, bereavement coordinator

We know your names

You were here for moments, days, months or years

Too young to die

Too young to leave your parents, who will never be the same

Your names are written on their lives forever

They will remember your birthdays, with “if only” and “would have been”

They will count the years and measure you by your friends

They will mourn your milestones, graduations and marriages

They will hold you in their dreams

They will cradle your teddies and sleep with your blankets

They will yearn for the scent of you, long gone from your clothes

They will walk into your darkened rooms and hope that tonight you will be there

They fear they may forget your faces, your smiles, your voices

They hold onto the grief that binds their love to you

They will remember the insidious unknowns that stole your breath, stopped your beating hearts

They relive your last moments, last touches, last breaths —

And rewind them again and again until they are tight in their mind’s eye

We weep for your mothers, fathers, grandparents, siblings, family, friends — And all those who will never know you And, when time silences the voice of solace —

We will say your names and remember