Do You Understand?

It’s been awhile since I posted.
There have been a few things that have been laying heavily on my mind. It may sound silly, but this is my safe space to express how I feel. This is my space to share, so that other mamas know that they’re not alone.
It’s been over 6 months since I last held Waverly. I think I’m doing pretty good. I try to seem like I’m emotionally okay, and honestly I think I am. Sure I’m sad, I always will be. But I can function. I can smile and laugh.
I rarely say Waverly’s name out loud. I know it may sound odd because I post about her often on Instagram and Facebook. But in real life, I don’t bring her up that often. I don’t want people to be afraid to be around me, like I have some disease. People will ask do you have any kids? And I briefly say I have an almost 2 and a half year old son and a daughter who passed away in August. The other person will quickly say “Oh I’m sorry”. And I say “it’s okay, my son keeps me busy” And I try to change the subject because I can feel how uncomfortable the other person gets.
Don’t get me wrong, if someone seems interested... if someone asks questions I will go on and on. I want to talk about her. I want the whole world to know her name. But I don’t want to come off as that “weird girl who will never get over the loss of her daughter”. And they’re right, I never will. But I certainly don’t think that’s weird. The first few months, I rarely went out with anyone. I was still too sad, too angry. I would go to work, go home, run errands and visit the cemetery. That’s it. I didn’t want to socialize with anyone.
 I’m starting to go out and hang out with people again. I can be around and talk to pregnant women again. It’s hard, but I can do it. I am accepting social invitations again. I am finding my new normal. I am genuinely happy, with a dash of a broken mama’s heart. I want people to know that they can hang out with me and they don’t have to be afraid. I swear I won’t endlessly talk about how much I miss Waverly. I don’t mention Waverly any more than I mention Maverick.
Though I’m aware that social media paints a different picture.
Facebook and Instagram are where I can openly share about Waverly. I have a lot of loss mama friends on social media, so it feels safe. But I try not to post too much. I’ll delete posts immediately after I post it. I’ll post something and question if it is too soon after my last post.
I know I have a great support group of family and friends.
But yet, I know people are tired of seeing my posts.
Not everyone.
 Like I said, I have a great support group. But I notice the unfollows, the unfriends. The people who constantly ignore my Waverly posts or my posts about baby loss. And I don’t care, at least I try not to care. But I do.
It hurts.
Like I said, I don’t talk about Waverly often in the real world. So I keep her memory alive by posting pictures, quotes and her monthly birthdays. And it hurts when I notice another unfollow.
Like I said, I try not to care. But I do. I’m human.
Before I was even discharged from the hospital I was hysterical telling Jim that I was afraid that this would happen. That people would start to get annoyed with my posts. That people would get tired of hearing about Waverly, get tired of hearing about my grieving. And I see it happening before my eyes.
So for those that still care. Thank you. I know I have an amazing support system. Amazing friends. Amazing family.
And for those that are tired of seeing my posts..... well I guess who won’t be seeing this anyway. But I’m sorry.
I’m sorry you lack empathy.
I get it, you don’t understand. You’ve never lost a baby. Or had a baby fatally diagnosed in utero.
And I hope you never do.
But please remember, I am trying to find my new normal. The life I pictured will never be. I am still learning. I am sorry you couldn’t handle the process.