The Struggle

I say this phrase a lot. For silly reasons and serious reasons. But life right now really is a struggle. I’ve been numb, in that “shock stage”. People usually think that grief is the hardest the first few days, but that is far from the truth. Of course I was sad those days, but I was also really numb. Not feeling much of anything. I’ve gotten through those days. 

I attended infant and child loss ceremonies. I’ve gone to several support group meetings. I’ve been doing everything to stay on my two feet. I started a new job and went back to work full time. I do things with Maverick on the weekends. We visit Waverly whenever I’m off. I do everything to “prove” that I’m alright. 

But lately I’ve been silently struggling. No, that doesn’t mean I’m crying myself to sleep every night. But it does mean I’m crying (or trying not to cry) more often than I have before. That numb state is starting to wear off. I’m realizing that this is my life. How is this my life? It’s like I’m watching a movie or dreaming. That someday everything will magically be normal again. But that’s not the case. The other week, when I was visiting Waverly at the cemetery an older gentleman walked over to the baby section, he stopped in front of a grave and I could hear him crying. I tried to mind my own business. He stayed for several minutes than left. I walked over to the grave that he was standing at and the date of birth and death was 1975..... forty four years ago. And that hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m only 18 weeks into this whole journey, and this guy has been living it for 44 years. I still have the rest of my life to go. Our family will always be incomplete, how is that fair. I really was pregnant with my beautiful daughter, gave birth to her, and watched her die the next day. And I will live with that for the rest of my life. It sucks. It truly sucks. That’s all I have to say. And now I’ll just leave it with a song I heard that just prompted me to write on this blog because it’s been awhile. As always, thank you for the endless love and support. 

I don't wanna feel better

I don't wanna not remember

I will always see your face

In the shadows of this haunted place

I will laugh

I will cry

Shake my fist at the sky

But I will not say goodbye

They keep saying time will heal

But the pain just gets more real

The sun comes up each day

Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying

If I can keep on holding on

Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone