Baby #3

Faith does not make things easy, it makes them possible. Luke 1:37

 

On April 7th, 2020 we learned that another baby was on the way. The initial excitement I felt faded off really quick. I started feeling guilty with lots of fear. Am I replacing Waverly? What if the same thing happens again? I have found it really hard to fully enjoy this pregnancy.
At my first OB appointment, I was greeted by a midwife who said “So you had a miscarriage right?” My mouth, covered by a mask, disguised the disgusted look on my face. Did she really not check my chart first? I said no, my daughter died a little after birth. She had a genetic condition we found out early on. She quickly apologized and moved on in the conversation.
My first ultrasound, at 7 weeks, I had to go myself. I was nervous, but saw that beautiful heartbeat. Still I didn’t feel that “joy”.
At my second OB appointment, I was greeted by the MA who said, so you have two babies already? I said yes. She asked what gender they were. I said a boy and a girl. She said, oh so we have a tie breaker here... Yeah something like that.
I was then greeted by a midwife who asked me why in my chart it says 2 pregnancies, 1 living child. She wanted me to explain and asked when the loss was.
Really???? Does no one quickly gaze at a chart before opening their mouth.
I told her my daughter had osteogenesis imperfecta type 2. She was born via a planned c-section and lived 29 hours and 36 minutes. She apologized and moved on in the conversation. This is where she told me I’m high risk because of my c-section history and genetic history.
I thought I would be high risk, but hearing it from the midwife was like a punch to the gut. I just want a normal pregnancy.
At my 12 week ultrasound, I was nervous. I had to go by myself. The last time I was in this building was when Waverly was still in my belly. I walk into the building, up to the 3rd floor, walked over to MFM department. I walk past the door because they used to have registration through a glass window. That has been removed. A pregnant woman who was behind me pointed up to the sign that said “Maternal Fetal Medicine” with an arrow.
Eye roll.
I check in, and fill out the paper work. How many pregnancies? 3. How many living? 1. Any babies born with a genetic defect?. 1, osteogenesis imperfecta. Any c-sections? 1, 8/16/2019.
I was then called back. I plop onto the ultrasound table. The tech quickly glances at my history and asked what I had at home. I said a crazy 2.5 year old boy. She smiles and said “So you hoping for a girl then?”
Dead silence. I didn’t have the energy to say anything back.
The scan begins. Instead of me joyously gazing at my beautiful baby, I kept gazing at the measurements at the bottom of the screen. I kept looking at the long bones. They looked straight! And what long legs! Legs were measuring 6 days ahead! I couldn’t believe it. Yet, I couldn’t find that “joy”.

Baby was being stubborn, but overall the measurements looked great. 

After the scan, I was told to go into the waiting room where the MFM doctor would then get me.

I sit for several minutes before she called my name. She is a familiar face, one whom I saw with Waverly. One who had compassion.

She brought me to her office and she said congratulations. She then asked me how my past pregnancy went, she was aware I delivered at CHOP since she received my files, but wanted to hear from me.

I told her I had a c-section at 38 weeks 6 days, and she did really well. She lived for 29 hours and 36 minutes. She then asked for her name. I said Waverly. And she wrote that down. She said she was so happy to hear that we were able to spend time with her.

She then apologized because she knew this pregnancy has been and will be hard. She told me “it’s probably hard to find the joy and excitement because of all that you’ve been through”. She apologized again that I had to go through all these appointments by myself. 

Tears were flowing because it was so true. I felt guilty, like I was “neglecting” this pregnancy because it’s been so hard for me to find that joy. Of course I’m happy and of course I love this baby. I’m just so afraid. 

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you 1 Peter 5:7

 

She told me she was watching the scan as the tech was doing it and said everything looked great. We both laughed because we both said we were just staring at the legs. She told me the nuchal measurement was perfect. 

She told me she wanted me to be seen again around 16 weeks and again around 20 weeks to make sure baby was still measuring on track. But all looked well so far.

We then agreed to do the genetic blood work, which the first round all came back low risk.

And that brings us to today. I’m 14 weeks pregnant. Most people know I’m pregnant now which brings me to the awkward conversations that are now bound to happen.

Maverick will look at a picture at Waverly and then run up to my belly. I have to constantly remind him that this a new baby.. his baby brother. 

Baby sis Waverly is up in heaven. 

Pregnancy after loss is hard. I’m only 14 weeks in and it’s tough. I’m trying to find that “joy”. And I may never find it. But I have found peace and I have found happiness. I’ve found a lot of other feelings to, but I know that I can’t be hard on myself. 

Although we don’t have a name yet, we are beyond blessed that Maverick gets to be a big brother again and now Waverly gets to be a big sister.

My cup runneth over Psalm 23:5

We are expecting our baby boy to arrive (most likely by repeat c-section) the end of November/early December. 

We can’t wait to meet him. 

Thank you all for the continued love and support. I know Waverly is beaming from ear to ear up in heaven.