Little Kicks

Today I am 23 weeks pregnant! With Maverick, I was able to catch him kicking on camera at 23 weeks so I was hoping to do the same this time around.
This morning, Maverick woke up early (6am), Jim brought him to our room he hung out with us for a little then back to his crib he went. Waverly must’ve known her big brother was up because she became super active. I took out my phone and started recording. Although she is quite the kicker, I know how small her arms and legs are so I wasn’t sure if the camera would pick anything up. As I’m typing this, she is still kicking around! I couldn’t believe it when I saw the slightest movement in my belly. All the kicking in these videos happen below my belly button on the right side. It may be hard to catch, but I had to post these videos for me.
Do you know what it’s like to feel all the life inside of you but have to think about a funeral? It may sound morbid, but the law states that any baby in utero that passes after 20 weeks gestation must be cremated or buried. Any baby that passes after 20 weeks is considered a stillborn. So when we first heard the news around 17 weeks, I hope and prayed she can at least make it to 20 weeks. You see during that time I rarely felt any movement, so I had no idea if she was alive or not. The only time I had relief was at my appointments. So I would pray to God that she was still alive, if He needed her, at least let me have her until 20 weeks... that way I could say “her life mattered”, the government would have known about her. Shortly after turning 20 weeks, I started to feel her kicking, and what a huge sigh of relief that was. Each little kick is a reminder that I have this little baby full of life inside me.
So back to the morbid thoughts. Jim and I have to plan a funeral. Do we want a burial or cremation? Do we want a small immediate family gathering or a large celebration of her short life? Of course we are hoping for a miracle. We will still be installing the infant car seat in the coming weeks. We are still painting our office in the paint color we selected for her nursery. But it will be much easier to cancel a funeral than to have to make all those decisions afterwards. It’s a conversation that we briefly talked about, but something that we will have to fully talk about soon.
I’ve reached out to other moms who had similar diagnoses and most have delivered around the 32 week mark, some make it full term. But some deliver early because of excess amniotic fluid, the head size becomes too large or their water breaks early. So although we are hoping to make it fullterm, I know most of these decisions should be made before we hit this 30 weeks mark. My bereavement doula (Desiree from Three Little Birds) has already contacted me and we will be going over the birth plan at 30 weeks. I know how doctors feel about birth plans, I didn’t even make one with Maverick, but the circumstances are different this time around. Depending on how things go, a lot of decisions will have to be made and it would be better to have those all written out beforehand when we have plenty of time to think about it. Of course we can change our mind on some parts of the birth plan, but it will be nice that the medical team will know what our wants and needs are.
Well that’s all I will be blogging about today. Jim and I will be bringing Maverick to Bay Fest this afternoon and I’m so excited the weather is nice and Waverly gets to experience today as well. My mindset is back to enjoying every little second and those morbid thoughts and plans will be put on hold for a little.