Advocating

My OB doctor called me over the weekend and left a pretty long voicemail saying how sorry he was. He got the news of the ultrasound and asked that I come in during the week to see what the plan was. I really love my OB doctor. I saw him for about 90% of my pregnancy with Maverick. Unfortunately, he wasn’t on call when I delivered him, but the next day he was and he stopped into our room to meet him. He is such a great and positive doctor.
My opinion on him changed slightly after today. Jim and Maverick joined me on this appointment. We went into his little office and we talked. He again said he was sorry and then told me what his suggestion was. Termination. He gave his option of choice for termination, surgery. It would be quick, I would be put under, they would remove the baby clean me out and that would be it. I know I don’t have the best poker face in the world, so I can only imagine how I was looking at him when he suggested that. He said since we’re still early on (hello I was 20+ weeks!!), that would be the easiest and best bet. The longer I wait, the more likely I would have to go through normal labor pains and deliver just like any other pregnancy. He then asked what I planned on doing. I told him I planned on letting the pregnancy go naturally. He then asked for my reasoning. He said he would support me, but  he doesn’t see the benefit of continuing. I told him I’m aware of the circumstances, I’m not expecting a miracle, although that would be nice. If she is going to pass, she can decided when that time is. Who am I to decide when to end her life?? He then again went into his suggestion and I told him no. He then asked how we wanted to proceed. Did I still want to hear the heartbeat at appointments? What kind of question is that? I literally wanted to scream. Why would I not want to hear my baby’s heartbeat at my appointments?? I wanted to get out of that office as quickly as possible. I told him I want the pregnancy to be seen just like any other. I thought about switching doctors, but he is so familiar with the case now, and I already had an appointment made with him so I decided to give him another chance. We’ll see how that appointment goes...
After we left and arrived home I quickly jumped on Google. I needed to find support, any type, just something. I remember coming across a perinatal palliative support website so I emailed them and so quickly I received a phone call. I had such a sense of peace after that phone call. She (Desiree), provided me with so much information and said she would be mailing information for me to go over and see what services we wanted. I was so relieved. I finally felt content in my decision. She asked if I planned on switching doctors and I told her I’m giving him another chance. She gave me a bereavement nurse’s name from the hospital whom I could speak to and I told her I would love to once I know a little more of what’s going on.